storing fat for winter

So my 3 month old baby is wearing 6 month old clothes, which fit him perfectly. Is there something off with the sizing or is my baby really that gigantic? He's already larger weight-wise than the 6 month outfits say they fit, but he's not quite that long yet.

Aw, yeah! Chunkeroo!

virtues

A spider is the epitome of patience. He picks a spot, spins his web, and waits. He is not aggressive, though carnivorous. He is not pushy, flighty, or indecisive. He sets his course and stays it. He waits to be fed.

But at what point does patience become lack of initiative, stupidity? When does the spider decide to pack it in and start anew? How long does he await sustenance before realizing it may never come? Is there a point of resignation, apathy? I wonder how many spiders starve to death.

level up

Today Abraham was lying in bed kicking up a storm and I remarked how strong he is and how much stamina and energy he has. That’s when I realized that, aside from his lack of dexterity, he would be an awesome Diablo character.

Thanksgiving post

So for the past couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking about how I want to make a Thanksgiving post, touching on both things that I am thankful for and the holiday events, and yet somehow manage to not make this post too lame or sappy. I have not found a way to do this, which is why I kept putting it off, but the window of time in which that sort of post is relevant is rapidly closing (or already closed), so here goes with it, lame or no.

I am thankful (of course) for my sweet, adorable, best baby in the world.
I am thankful that over the break, I barely had to hold said baby at all. Haha, terrible mother.
I am thankful for many varieties of stuffing and/or dressing and that we got to have TWO Thanksgivings this year. It was really awesome because I love food, and I’m determined to find a way to make this happen every year.
I’m thankful that all the siblings were able to be together for the first time since last December. I’m not thankful that it only lasted a couple of days. Boooo!
I am thankful that we have a house, and cars, and food, and computers with internet.
I am thankful/incredulous/feeling old that we’ll celebrate our 5 year anniversary in a couple weeks. Seriously, married for five years? I MUST be an adult!
I’m thankful for the amazing Baha’i community in Nashville and all the wonderful opportunities for service that I have had (junior youth included, I swear).

I’m thankful for lot of other stuff too, but you get the idea. Holiday events included paintball, football (or in my case, watching paintball and football), food, noodles, more food, a baby photo shoot, looking at pictures, watching Aladdin, sleeping, not sleeping enough, talking, laughing. But no board games or flying kites. Also very little throwing up! It was overall pretty rad.

what's in a name?

Earlier this evening we were playing with the baby on the bed and Anderson started saying, "Abraham, Abraham," trying to get Abe to look in his direction. Which didn't happen. And then he was sad because the baby doesn't know his name. But COME ON, can you blame him? We rarely call him by his name! Instead he is:

Ham
Baby Ham
Little Ham
Super Tiny Ham
Hammie
Hambone
Ziggle (what?)
Abe
Abey
Abey Baby
Cutest Boy in the World
Bud
Buddy
Little Bud

What loving, strange parents!



Btw, ABE IS ASLEEP RIGHT NOW! So is Anderson, but that's not as exciting. This kid has not been Mr. Easy Baby lately, so I am mighty pleased with his unconsciousness. Now I just need to work on my own.

Things I want to remember

1. Abe is a very serious baby. An adult baby. Check out the pictures, you’ll see what I mean. Furrowed brow, intense stare.

2. The way he opens his mouth to say he wants a kiss and then sticks out his tongue when I kiss him.

3. When he starts to fall asleep while nursing and looks up at me accusingly with half-closed eyes as if to say, “You did this to me.” Like I drugged him or something.

4. When he makes a super sad face without crying: pouty, quivery lower lip and eyes welling up with tears. Cutest, saddest baby in the world!

5. How he hates tummy time.

6. Holding his fists up like a boxer.

7. This new thing he does where he stops nursing, leans back to look up at me, and holds out one arm with his hand in a fist. I have no idea what he’s doing or why! I try bumping daps, holding hands, kissing his hand, pretending to eat his hand. They are all met with the same serious stare, making me think I’m not getting it.

amazing and tragic

Amazing: I got in bed a little after 11pm last night and DID NOT GET OUT UNTIL 7:45AM!!* What the! I know what you're thinking, and no, Abe did not slip into a coma. He slept in bed with me and woke up three times to nurse quietly and then fell right back asleep! It was practically decadent! (And for you parents out there who may be wondering, no, I did not change his diaper all night! Bwahaha. But seriously, it's justified because a) he didn't poop, or I would have changed him, cause that's just gross, and b) it was an experiment! To see how long he would stay asleep if I didn't mess with him.)

*I feel like maybe only other parents can appreciate how truly amazing and wonderful this is. You know how when you're really tired, you start thinking, "well at least I can sleep in on Saturday"? Well I just realized the other day that I have nothing to look forward to when I'm tired. It will be YEARS before I can sleep in! Aaaahhh!

Now for the tragic part: When I woke up the first time he wanted to nurse, I must have been lying in a very awkward position or something because I had a killer headache. I kept thinking it would just go away if I went back to sleep, but it has persisted to this very moment despite medicine and a hot shower. So I did not enjoy the long sleep like I should have. Waaahhhh!! Seriously, doesn't that just make you sad?

mommy bloggin'

So, uh, hey guys, what's new? Not much here... Thought it was about time to update my blog. This might be a bit…long.

New Addition/Edition

So I was lying in bed the other day, looked over beside me, and was like, "Whoa! Where did this baby come from?" Then I fed him (again) and changed his diaper (again). This has pretty much become my life: I am a food production unit and I wipe another human being's poop from his cute little butt. And I try to make him fall asleep. Then when he's sleeping, I miss him and want him to wake up.

I have "omg I have a baby" moments like this occasionally, and the emotion behind them ranges from ecstasy to terror: 1) I have a son. MY SON. He's so perfect, so amazing, with tiny little real human parts all of which I must kiss. 2) What have I done? I have to take care of him all the time FOREVER and I can't change my mind and why is he alive so much?

Luckily #1 mostly wins.

I think before having a baby I had all these preconceived notions of what being a mother would be like, what kind of a mother I would be, and how I would still be me, still have a life, and somehow (still?) be cool. Like I wouldn't change, my life wouldn't really change, I would just have this cool baby now. But just like my preconceived notions of what pregnancy would be like, the reality of it is more overwhelming. I mean, in both cases - pregnancy and motherhood - I had a decent knowledge base and second-hand experience to build on, but experiencing it yourself is totally different.

Unexpected things about pregnancy:

1. The extent of morning sickness: All day. Every day. For four months. With bonus mild nausea until the bitter end.

2. Loss of mental prowess: SO tired. Forgetful. Unable to focus. SO slow. And tired, did I mention?

3. Food and smell aversions. Beloved Indian food turning my stomach.

4. How close I would feel to Abe without ever seeing him, how much I would know him and love him.

And yes, I know these are all things that you commonly hear pregnant women experience. I am stereotypical! But just hearing about them does not do them justice. The experience is so much stronger and baffling.

Unexpected things about having a baby:

1. Crazy protectiveness. I am not a violent person, but for this baby, I will kill a man. You best step off! Keep your mitts off my kid! And other exclamations! Seriously. I will kill you. With my bare hands.*

1a. Crazy protectiveness leads to crazy paranoia. During the first couple of weeks after Abe was born, I would jump any time someone knocked on the door. When he slept, I would constantly check to make sure he was still breathing. I was worried that he wasn’t getting enough to eat (yes, yes, I know he’s huge, but still!). Etc, etc. I thought I’d be a lot more laid back!

2. Buying into the hype. Before he was born, I looked at the suggested baby registry items, read magazines, shopped for baby stuff, and always thought, wow, they are really trying to sell you a bunch of crap you don’t need. Who needs a special pillow for nursing and a special blanket to cover you up? Isn’t a wipe warmer totally frivolous? Electric swing? C’mon…who needs all this stuff? WELL, I DO, THAT’S WHO! Man, all these things that I thought were unnecessary are things that make my life sooo much easier. And right now, that is what I’m all about – ease. At first I felt a little bad, a little guilty, about having so many “gadgets” to raise my baby. But screw that! That’s what technology is for. BRING IT ON!

3. Breaking my convictions. Along with buying baby gadgets, I have done several other things that I swore up and down I would not do when I had a baby. Disposable diapers. (The environment groans.) Pacifier. (Eegads!) Baby Bjorn instead of a sling. (Well we tried the sling, actually, and Abe kind of hates it for some reason. So this change is legit.) Carrying him around in public in the car seat instead of in my WARM, MOTHERLY ARMS. Well I will say it again – EASIER. Seriously, if that baby falls asleep in his car seat, I am not taking him out for anything. I have occasional spasms of guilt for these things as well, but mostly I am accepting/don’t have time to think about it.

4. Nursing is hard. I thought based on it being normal and natural and seeing my mom nurse with ease for years that this was kind of a no-brainer. BABY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS NOT THAT COMPLICATED. Well we got it goin’ smooth now, but it was rough for a while. (PS – Dumb ol’ amazing mom, making everything baby-related look easy. I was tricked!!)

5. MUST he nurse so often? I feel like a cow!

6. Nursing him is amazing. Staring into his eyes as he’s cuddled up against me. Watching him fall asleep. I love it!

*Bet you didn’t know I had bear hands, did you?**

**Oh, ho, ho, that joke never gets old! My baby has bear hands too! And often bear feet! And when I change him, he has a bear bottom! Ahaha. But don’t worry, I don’t let him go outside with a BEAR HEAD! Oh man. I crack myself up.

commemoration

So Anderson and I were talking about if Abe decided to make his debut on 9/11 whether that would be a good date. And I said that when he was older and someone asked him when his birthday was, he could turn to them and say, very deadpan, "9/11. Never forget."

And we both died laughing.

I Am Not My Hair

So, someone linked to the Stuff White People Like website and got me started browsing it. I'm not going to comment at all on the potential racist/stereotype issues that the site (and corresponding book) raise, but rather, I want to respond to the list of "stuff" as a white person myself.

I was struck by this contrast - for me, the stuff on the list fall clearly into two categories: 1) "yes, very true, I like this" and 2) "people who like this wear abercrombie and fitch shirts and we would most likely not get along."

In the first category belong things like sushi, diversity, yoga, organic food, traveling, Arrested Development, irony, Toyota Prius, and recycling. (Do I sound pretentious? I hope not. I hope that mainly corresponds to the second category.)

In the second category are: awareness, hating their parents, microbreweries, expensive sandwiches*, gentrification, Oscar parties, having gay friends**, divorce***, and America. Granted, all white people are not the same, there are people who like things from both lists, including people who aren't white at all, blah blah blah. But seriously, is it just me, or is there a clear divide in the list where you are describing two very different types of people? Or am I over-analyzing a book written to be humorous? I guess I'm just annoyed that I can be all sheepishly like, "yeah, you got me" one second and then "um, no. not even close" the next.

*While often delicious, I don't enjoy the price of such sandwiches.

**I do not have anything against having gay friends, but for someone to "enjoy" having gay friends seems akin to using people as accessories, which I am not a fan of. Preposition end sentence with.

***What?!??


PS - NO I HAVE NOT HAD A BABY YET. THANK YOU FOR ASKING FIFTY MILLION TIMES!

Not a post about babies or pregnancy

Breakfast

I've been feeling the urge to take a lot of polls lately to find out what people think about the inane minutia of my days. For instance, breakfast: Delicious or disgusting? A fried egg on top of a blueberry waffle topped with syrup, and (because I am indecisive) another fried egg on it's own, but accompanied by a blueberry waffle topped with blackberry jelly. This ended up being way more delicious than I was anticipating. Yay for breakfast in the afternoon! Yay for enjoying food during pregnancy! I may have this exact same meal for "lunch" in a bit.

The next order of business for the day will most likely be waking up the husband. The unfortunate thing about not waking up at the same time is that when he gets up, he'll want to laze about because it's Saturday and he just woke up. Whereas I've already been lazing about for over an hour, so I'm ready to move into the "getting stuff done" phase of the day...and of course all the stuff I want done involves Anderson doing the stuff. Ha. So I'll have to reign in my "what do you mean you don't want to work the second you wake up?" whines and let him have some chill time.

Headings, Facebook, and Blog Popularity

So lately I've been reading this blog in which the writer (or "blogger," if you will, but I hope you won't) breaks up each entry with amusing or descriptive headings, and I thought, hey, that's a good idea. That way the blog - especially when long - doesn't just run together like...something runny. So I wanted to start using headings, but there's also this bit of feeling self-conscious about it because I'm copying someone else's style, and isn't that lame? But then I remind myself that this person DID NOT INVENT HEADINGS. So it's cool if I use them, right? Let's take a poll.

I've also been indecisive on whether or not to have my blog automatically post to Facebook. I set it to do that a while back, and then changed it and took it off, and then put it back on recently. On the plus side, when it posts to Facebook, I get significantly more people reading and commenting, which is cool. On the downside, people don't go to the actual blog site to comment. And also the blog is then available to many more people, some of whom are only "friends," and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean, on the blog site itself, it's completely open to the public (including "strangers"), but it's not thrown in their faces via newsfeed.

[Insert segue here] How do blogs get popular? You know how there are those blogs out there that are "well-known" and have like thousands of people reading and following them, and then the writers get book deals or money thrown at them for putting ads on their blogs and so on. But how does this happen? I mean, suppose I updated my blog regularly and it was very witty/insightful/informative/other adjective of choice, still, how would it get popular enough to garner monetary benefits? And why?

Headings Again

Is it worth using headings if I only end up using two legitimately?

stop making babies so complicated

So, I'm still pregnant.

Yup.

No contractions or anything. Just chillin.

Of course, my due date's not until next Saturday, so it's all good. And I still have things I need to get done. And some sleeping to do. But on the other hand, I'm gigantic and waddley and perpetually uncomfortable. Not to mention ready to play with a cute baby!

In other news, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a good movie, cheese fries are delicious, and my husband is a total cutie. He did this little dance today, I forget why, but it was priceless. I call it super-cute syndrome. [Also, since he just read this part over my shoulder, he says I shouldn't call it a good movie, because then I'm putting myself out there too much or something, that I should just say I enjoyed it. But whatever. And then he walked outside the room and out of sight, then said, "What's this? The leg of a man?" and danced across the doorway. It was awesome. I almost peed.]

Also, I can't call people on the phone, apparently, or they think I'm having a baby. When it actually does happen, I'll have to be cool about it, call my mom and just be like, "Hey, what's up? Just calling to see how you're doing...."

I was looking through this list of suggested baby registry items today to see if there was anything we needed to buy for immediate use. First of all, I can't remember what the little suction thing is called to get stuff out of baby's nose, and it wasn't on the list. Somehow I just don't think "snot sucker" is right, but I can't think of anything else to call it. Second, what the heck, marketing? Why do you have to make people think they actually need all this stuff in order to have a baby? Seriously, you should see this list, people. There are four different types of strollers listed. For the car seat, apparently we need strap covers, neck wings, head support, car seat carrier cover, baby sunshade, car seat undermat, and car seat toys. At home, we need a swing (a travel swing, too), a jumper, a walker, a stationary entertainer, a bouncer/rocker, and a baby carrier. I'm sure babies have survived for thousands of years without all these things, and ours will too. Raising a baby does not require technology. I also don't like things that put the baby on its own without human interaction. When we were shopping for a diaper bag, I saw one that had a little pocket on the front that was for an mp3 player with a hole for the headphones to come out. For a split second, I was like, oh, that's cool, so it's tucked away. And then I thought, wait...the only time you would be carrying the diaper bag, most likely, is when you are with your baby. Why do you have headphones on when you're with the baby? Seriously, are you just tuning him out? Or he's asleep, and you won't hear when he wakes up? I dunno, man...seems neglectful.

/rant

in coherence

Thoughts need to be thunk and wrote about, but I's too braindead now. So instead, read this.

In-vitro meat

Is it kosher? Is it vegetarian? Is it respectful of life? Is it good for the environment? Economy? Is it gross and weird?

These are some of the questions I need to ponder on.

what it means to be a man

So Jeremy and I were leaving the mall, and as we approached the exit, we saw that it was pouring rain. We hadn't brought an umbrella or anything. So I stopped and whined a little and was telling Jeremy let's wait a little while and see if it lets up. At the same time, this guy is coming inside and folding up his umbrella. Then he comes over and hands me the umbrella and says, "Here you go, you can have this." Shocked and thrown off guard, I take it and say, "Thanks." To which he replies, "No problem. I'm a man." And then walks off.

Awesome.

So, hiccups are really annoying, right? But at least you can usually do something about them. I'm actually quite good at getting rid of my own hiccups almost immediately by drinking water while holding my breath.

What's more annoying is baby hiccups, because I can't do anything about them! I just feel continuous rhythmic little jumps in my stomach that become very distracting when trying to sleep. Poor little guy. He's probably more annoyed by it than me. Although I hope not.

thoughtishness

Random thoughts as of late...some of which have been previously posted as Facebook statuses (stati?) and thus may sound familiar. In no particular order:

Cherries. Are. Delicious. Cherry-flavored items, on the other hand, are not.

Very sore from cleaning and painting and taping walls to be painted, which is much worse than the actual painting. Of course, that could be because Anderson does most of the actual painting, but still. At the grocery store today, had to force myself not to do the pregnant waddle that my soreness was asking for.

Cashew butter, honey, and banana sandwiches on raisin bread are the new favorite lunch/dinner/snack. And cherries. I also made the sandwich for Anderson, although with peanut butter. That's right, I'm such a good wife that I touched a potentially deadly substance (albeit with a knife) to feed my husband.

Also, stupid hormones. He said he didn't like the brand of raisin bread that I bought and I cried. Haha, what a dork.

My belly feels gigantic. Everyone keeps telling me I don't look that big, but for me, for the past week or so, it has felt huge and been especially uncomfortable to sleep...and move in general. Who are these people that love being pregnant?? I mean...it hasn't been awful by any means, I don't hate it, and there are definite nice moments. But overall? Loved would be a stretch.

According to the guestimations of the doctor's office, I have 5 weeks to go! Really, this means I have 3-7 weeks to go. Most likely. You know, whenever he's ready. As long as he waits at least two more weeks, cause I've got stuff to do.

We're taking progressive pictures of nursery painting and decorating. I shall post some when it's done. Yay!

Not sure why, but it seems like being pregnant has made me more environmentally conscious. In some ways this makes sense as a protective maternal instinct. I don't want any harsh chemicals used in the air my baby will be breathing or on surfaces he will encounter. I want to bathe him in the purest soaps, coat him in natural lotions, and wrap him in cottons untouched by pesticides, dyes, and fragrances. I don't want his poopy diapers to destroy the planet. The usual.

Where it doesn't make as much sense is my new awareness of how many things I should be recycling. I've been a pretty steady plastic bottle/aluminum can recycler for a while, with the occasional glass jar thrown in there. I shop with reusable bags. But lately every little thing I throw away, I think of where I should recycle it instead. Like cardboard from cereal boxes. Plastic bread bags. Junk mail. Luckily, with sweet sweet curbside recycling now, this should be no problem!

Oh Ashley, Katie, Keri, and other such far away peoples. I'm having a baby shower, and I want to invite you. But, knowing the likelihood of you coming is slim, it seems awkward to send an invitation, because then it feels like I'm fishing for gifts. But know that you are invited in spirit, and should you desire an actual mailed invitation and think I am silly for not sending it, give me your address! I am not wise in the ways of etiquette.

lately

Just saw Harry Potter. Enjoyed it, although it annoyed me as well with its leaving out and shortening of things.

Met Anderson's internet friend. Asked him about life on the internet.

Ate some apple sauce with a fork.

Moved out of the apartment and into a house. Unpacked the kitchen.

Went to Pensacola to train up some youths.

35 weeks of having a baby all up in my guts.

ruminations

But aren't the best things in life both terrifying and wonderful?

hellboy aliens cook

So, I kind of forgot to write about the main thing I wanted to write about. And I don't do edits for content, only grammar.

Baby names! We have taken (and are taking, I suppose) suggestions, mostly shooting them down. And we think we may have settled on a name. At least a first name, and possibly the middle name. But I'm not sure if I want to tell people. I don't want people to not like the name, and it seems like if we wait until the baby's born and actually name him, then people will be less likely to be critical of the name.

Anderson thinks we should just tell people if they ask, and if they don't like it, say, "Well what would you suggest? Braiden?" (No offense to all you Braiden-lovers out there.)

So, advice me, people of the internet.




Yes, I meant advice and not advise.

Life = Unpredictable = Stressful

And by life I really just mean buying a house. And getting a job. And the flu. And school. I wish I could be one of those people that doesn't let things like that stress them out, but I have not achieved that state of being yet. I think I don't know how to relax in increments. If I am busy for most of the day and then have a few hours free, I waste them on Facebook or TV, which I think are not genuinely relaxing activities, but just mind-numbing activities that help you forget about other things. I want to be able to actually relax for an hour and feel refreshed. Yoga helps. The pool will help. Other suggestions?

Also, anyone have any idea why it is that mashed potatoes are so delicious? It seems out of proportion with their ingredients.

a birthday reflection

I am sick. Sickity-sick. Sick sick sick. Sickity-sick.
Now everybody sing along!
Now it's a solo from Influenza Type B!
A touching story of a young woman's struggle to breathe freely through both nostrils at once and occasionally stop coughing. Luckily, she lives in a land where fruit juices and noodle soup are abundantly found.

spamming the blog

I feel mushy.

Also, waiting for an answer is the worst thing ever. If we get the house, great. If we don't, I'm still okay with it, because I feel that what's meant to happen will happen. So I'm theoretically detached from the outcome. But then why have I been sitting on pins and needles since we submitted the offer Wednesday morning? I just want to know, man, so we can move on with our lives! We should know by the end of the day, but the suspense is killing me.

Also, I hate work. A lot. And school.

Also, I haven't watched Grey's Anatomy really at all this season, except for about 4 episodes near the beginning. Once Denny started showing up regularly, I decided it was dumb. But now that I've heard details about the finale (I won't spoil it for you), I kinda want to watch it again. It's like a soap opera and yet so alluring, with its trashy, drama-filled story line.

That is all.

"check out" this "blog"

http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/ - Blog of Unnecessary Quotation Marks

Anderson pointed me to this amusing little gem, and I thought I'd share. Katie, in particular, I know will appreciate this! :)

growing up and down

So I've noticed that my son seems to keep a schedule as far as when he is most active. Which is cool and all, but why exactly must he practice break-dancing right when I am trying to go to sleep? Tonight especially he's keeping me up, either trying to escape or building a summer home, not sure which.

In other news, although I am very tired of it, house hunting today was especially good. We saw one house that I really love, and one that Anderson really loves. Sadly, they are two different houses. Anderson claims that since I picked going to Honduras and moving to Nashville, he gets to pick the house now. And then I told him his house was dumb. We are very mature.

It's crazy, being all grown up, having a baby, buying a house. Part of me freaks out a bit whenever I think about it like this and about being almost 27, and I think, what happened to freshman year and all my various cool college roomies and friends and abandoned houses with baby bats and road trips to NOLA and the coast and going to shows and BSing at Waffle house at 3 in the morning....seems like it all passed by too quickly.

But it's also cool, moving into this new phase in life. Having a house means a yard and a garden and hardwood floors and painting. And then today we were watching House reruns, and one came on about a kid who was going to die, and I thought, oh man, what if my kid dies? And I got really sad. But it was kind of good, because I think it reaffirmed too how much I really want him and am ready for him. I feel really fortunate for that because obviously that's not something that everyone who has a baby gets to feel. Of course, if I had gotten pregnant earlier, I know we would have adjusted and been happy about it, but I'm glad we're at this place where we both feel ready and excited.

I feel like I said "cool" too many times in this post. And maybe started too many sentences with conjunctions. But that's a dumb rule anyway. See how I just broke it twice more? What a rebel.

and maybe some writing too

Inspired, I decided to compile a summer reading list. At this point, it just consists of books I own but haven't read...surprisingly fewer than I thought. In any case, I'm soliciting other recommendations, so feel free to comment. Not sure exactly how many I'll actually be able to read, given the part time job, Capstone Project, three study circles, children's class, and Project Badi that I'll be involved in over the summer, but we shall see. In any case, I'll make a dent. I need to get back to being literary.

In no particular order:

Guns, Germs, and Steel ~ Jared Diamond
Anthills of the Savannah ~ Chinua Achebe
A Home at the End of the World ~ Michael Cunningham
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius ~ Dave Eggers
Waiting ~ Ha Jin
Ishmael ~ Daniel Quinn
Tar Baby ~ Toni Morrison
Rant ~ Chuck Palahniuk
Prelude to Foundation ~ Isaac Asimov
House of Leaves ~ Mark Danielewski
Only Revolutions ~ Mark Danielewski
Multiple Exposures ~ Catherine Caufield

easy like sunday...afternoon

So I bought a box of these guys on a whim because I'm really into foods that require little to no preparation on my part, plus are healthy. These take 10 minutes in the oven and are organic and whole wheat and vegetarian. I pop them in, go get a little work done (read, check Facebook), and then come back and open the oven door and...it's silent. There's no sizzling. You know, the way things in the oven usually sizzle letting you know they're nice and hot. But it's been 10 minutes, and they look brown on top, so I get them out. And that's when I realize the reason for the lack of sizzle.

There's no grease! Like, none! This makes me very excited thinking about how healthy this must be. I cross my fingers. Please let them taste good. They're delicious!!

And thus worthy of a blog entry. I hope this wasn't too tedious for you.

"the earth laughs in flowers"

In honor of Earth Day and National Poetry Month, I have written a poem about the earth.

...

Just kidding. But that would be cool, eh? Seriously, I've done nothing for either event. I feel like a bad friend missing a birthday.

as promised

So, vitamin water. I am annoyed that people think it is healthy. And that they think it is water. You know what else is water, with just a little color, flavor, and sugar added? Kool-Aid.

Just to clarify, people, most drinks are mostly water. It's when you add things to it that it becomes NOT water. Like tea, for example. Or soda. We don't say we're drinking "herbal water" or "cola water."

Also, adding vitamins to something does not automatically make it good for you. There is still the artificial flavor, color, and sweetener in vitamin water! That's like saying, Hey, one of the nuts in this Snickers is actually a vitamin! Now it's good for you!

Vitamin water also boasts how low-cal it is. Okay, fine. But low cal, again, does not necessarily mean healthy. Diet soda, for instance.

But I don't really have a problem with people who drink vitamin water to try and get fewer calories. That's cool. Just don't pretend it's healthy. What gets me is the Vandy kids drinking vitamin water with their organic yogurt cup and carrot sticks. One of these things is not like the others... Maybe I should give them a little credit, though, cause I guess two out of three ain't bad.

For more ranting on vitamin water, go here.

tune in later for a rant on vitamin water

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of the train
I kiss you all starry-eyed, my body swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone could see in anyone else
But you

upon waking

I had a dream that I felt the baby moving and could see his whole arm poking out of my stomach. Anderson thought it was cool, so we took the baby out to play with him for a while and then put him back in when we were done.

This will be an unfortunate next several months if I'm already this ready for him to be born! :)

social and environmental

So, readers, a miraculous event occurred last night. I hung out with people! And I don't mean chatting online! Anderson came too, which may be even more miraculous. I kind of forget that he's pretty funny to people other than me. We ordered Thai food and ate homemade bread pudding and talked and laughed and played board games. All in all, an excellent evening. And people tell me that apparently I look pregnant now. Clodpollish, I say!

And, I have plans to have lunch with people (mostly different people) on Monday. Semblance of a social life, here I come!

Yesterday I also went to this baby fair held at one of the hospitals. [If you are bored by baby-related comments...*cough*Austin*cough*...feel free to skip this paragraph.] Basically it was a bunch of booths about different baby-related products and services in Nashville. A lot of it was photography or stuff specifically with the hospital, trying to recruit you. There were also several 3D ultrasound booths, which -- thanks to Keri -- I am no longer interested in because they are creepy looking. But there were some useful things too, like some new stores I found out about, some pediatricians I talked to, drawings for free stuff that I entered. Best of all, though, was the cloth diaper delivery service that I found out about! Su-weet!

[If you are bored by diaper-related comments, skip this paragraph.] I've been trying to figure out what to do about the diaper situation that will surely arise once the baby's born. Disposable diapers are seriously out of the question to me, due to their environment-destroying powers and all the chemicals that go into them that will then touch my perfect baby's skin. But my memories of cloth diapers that my mom used make them seem unpleasant as well. I remember the diapers being bulky, fastened with safety pins, and then topped with a giant rubber diaper cover, and then they leaked and were gross and you had to wash them. So the delivery service takes care of that last part, and this particular delivery service is pretty environmentally friendly and constantly trying to improve (read their plans for the future under FAQs...holy cow!). And the diapers now are way smaller, as are the diaper covers - smaller and more attractive, and no safety pins are involved! It seems quite awesome. Of course, I'm aware, environmentally speaking, that there is still an impact, what with the water to wash, the disinfectants used, the cotton grown to make the diapers, etc, but I do think it's better than disposables. There's also a third option, though: gDiapers. These are biodegradable, compostable, all natural disposable diapers that have a cloth cover with a disposable insert. These seem the most environmentally friendly of them all, although my sis tells me they are awkward to use and leak a lot. So we shall see. Also part of the consideration is comfort, etc, for le bebe. Cloth diapers are said to be more comfortable, cause less diaper rash, and help potty train sooner because the baby can feel when the diaper is wet (as opposed to disposables that wick away moisture). And something about cloth diapers just seems nice to me.

But who knows, the verdict is still out. Feel free to comment with your expert opinions and try to sway my decision.

venting

Soooo...I had to be at a school at 9:15 this morning for tutoring, and when I arrived, the place was jam-packed with parents. Oh no. So I go inside and ask the secretary what's going on. She says they're having their awards ceremony. I ask, Is it the whole school? She says yes. I ask, Did it just start? She says, No, it just ended, everyone is starting to leave. Perfect! I can still get my kids. So I go to the classroom and the teacher says, Oh, we're about to go to the awards ceremony. I'm so sorry I forgot to tell you about it.

What the heck, secretary? So I end up having to drive back home and now have to go back in the afternoon.

So then, I'm supposed to meet with a teacher at another school across town to discuss a project we're working on. She had just sent me an email last night saying, yes, 11am would be great. So I get there, go to her room, and she's not there. I hang around for about 10 minutes. Then I go to the office, which is right next door. They don't know where she is and suggest checking the break room since it's the teacher's planning period. I check, she's not there, no one has seen her. I go back to her room and wait. Then back to the office to ask again. They ask around with no luck and say sometimes she leaves campus for lunch. I call her cell phone. No answer. I check my email. No message. At 11:30am I finally decide to go home. I mean, I had to leave at 12pm anyway.

So, as you can see, today has been fun. And I still have to go back to the first school, and then drive to Franklin, and then come home and clean my house, and get up at 7am on Saturday. :(

Trucks it is! :)

ruminations

So, tomorrow's the big day. We find out if it's a baby Anderson or a baby me. And I'm very excited about it, but also a bit ambivalent. I mean, why is it that I want to know the baby's sex? What difference will it make whether it's a boy or a girl? I feel like knowing the sex will be nice because it makes me feel like I can start getting to know the baby better and bonding with it. But what is it about having its sex clearly defined that is so linked to me knowing its identity?

And now I'm back in undergrad, in my women's studies class, or in a discussion about gay rights, or in a movie about a transgendered person, and I start to wonder how much is biological and how much is sociological? How are identity and sex intertwined? Will I treat my child different based on its sex? This concerns me particularly when it comes to buying things for the baby - clothing, bedding, toys. My mother-in-law wants to know the sex so she'll know what color things to buy for it, and she's not the only one who has made this sort of comment. I definitely don't want to dress my girl all in pink and lace, nor do I want my boy in all blue; I prefer greens and yellows and browns. But at the same time, if it is a girl, it's going to have some pink dresses, cause it's hella cute. And if it's a boy, I probably won't put him in pink. Is this wrong? Have I been so well-trained by society's customs that I'll go along with them even if I disagree or don't understand them? What colors do babies wear in other countries?

My other argument for finding out the sex is to be able to pick out its name sooner, which will make him/her seem more like a real person. But again the issue of gender arises, as the majority of names out there are not gender-neutral. Why is that? Why are there certain labels that we can apply to girls and others to boys? In some languages it might make more sense, when every word has a gender attached to it, sometimes regardless of the gender that the person or animal actually has. But English words have no gender, so why do we apply gender restrictions to naming? Why are we so concerned with being able to identify someone's gender immediately? This is part of the reason for the blue-pink designation. Everyone wants to be able to immediately identify the baby as one sex or the other. Is this because of our fear of sexual ambiguity? Or maybe it has nothing to do with gender or sex and instead is a feature of our language. We want to know whether to say "he" or "she," and there is no in between or neutral term that is not demeaning like "it" would be. Or perhaps it's our brain's natural tendency to categorize everything we come in contact with.

But whether we find out the sex tomorrow or at birth (oh, we're finding out tomorrow, don't worry), I'm going to face the same problems with colors and names. And as my child gets older, will I unconsciously (or consciously) reinforce gender stereotypes regarding what kind of toys he/she should play with or what kind of emotions (or lack thereof) he/she should express? I would hope not. But at the same time I wonder, should boys and girls be treated differently? I mean, after all, they are different. Or are they? Different but equal? Different and complementary? Or only different because we socialize them to be so?

Honestly, I think it's a combination of both. I think many of the attributes that each gender is socialized toward (or was socialized toward in the past) are manufactured by society. For instance, boys don't cry or talk about their feelings. That's clearly dumb. Or that girls don't like to rough-house and only want to play dolls and have a pretend kitchen. Girls and boys should both engage in all sorts of play and all sorts of modeling of adult roles. I think it would be great to have girls grow up wanting to be pro atheletes and boys playing house.

But I do think there are some fundamental differences, whether biological or socialized, that are important to the success of our society. I'm not sure that I could label or define these differences, but I get the sense that they exist. For instance, being pregnant and nursing are two things that obviously only women can do, and they are both crucial to the continuation of the species. I can't help but think that this physical difference corresponds to emotional/mental/spiritual/whatever you want to call it differences that allow women to carry out this task. I think our biology is intimately linked with our psychology in ways that we are most often unaware of. I mean, there are hormones released during and after labor that actually make women forget about the pain they just went through. Our biology messes with our mind.

And like I said, this is all hard for me to define, but part of the reason why I feel that there are differences that are good and natural and should be encouraged is just based on my own feelings about being pregnant. Honestly, there were times throughout life where I thought, it would just be easier if I were a man (periods, leadership roles, practical jokes, hitchhiking with safety), and at the beginning of the pregnancy when I was so sick all the time, that thought flashed through my head a couple times as well. But then (and here's the part where I get sappy cause I'm full of hormones), when I started feeling my baby move, everything was worth it and I felt I could be sick for a year and I wouldn't care. Those little kicks and flutters are probably the best feeling in the world. I feel so lucky and blessed to be able to carry this child, and I feel bad - almost guilty - that Anderson can't feel what I feel and have this same experience.

So anyway. Tomorrow the baby will stop being an "it," and we will know whether to buy it trucks or dolls.

best husband ever

The boy went out at 9pm in the cold, post-tornado weather to buy grapes and strawberries and pickles cause it's all I want. Nothing better than cold fruit, I tell you. I can't wait for watermelon in the summer.

Why, homework, why???

lollerskates

Anderson tells me that I am majorly behind the times in discovering these two photographs. But they both made me laugh ridiculously every time I look at them, so it's okay.

This next one may only be funny if you're familiar with the commercial it is referencing.
If you're not, check it out here: Wilford Brimley Diabetes commercial
Or for a funnier version, here: Diabetes remix

the world of academia

I learned how to make balloon animals in class! Yes, I am still in grad school, thus it was SERIOUS balloon animal making.

1. Inflate a #260 balloon, leaving 2-3 inches uninflated at the end.

2. Use the "pinch and twist" technique to make three bubbles. Twist the bubbles together for the head.

Feel free to contact me for continued directions, or to express your jealousy at my mad skillz.

I bought a full jar of hot and spicy pickles on Saturday, and now I only have two left. I might be unintentionally preserving myself with all this sodium and vinegar.

Spring!

For those of you that were holding your breath, I am finally starting to feel less sick! In fact, I had no idea how good mildly nauseous could feel! And the countdown to finding out baby's sex is 11 days. Crazy.

Now, to make sure I do not turn into one of those women that only talks about babies and pregnancy, I will talk about Spring. And Lost. And Peggle. How's that for variety?

Today for Naw-Ruz (Baha'i New Year), a bunch of us went out to Centennial Park for a picnic and frisbee match. As Emily said, two years in row solidifies this as a Nashville tradition. There was a pretty good turn-out, too - about 25ish people, although I am terrible at estimating numbers. I will lose every jellybean counting contest that I enter. It was really great to hang out with people after being antisocial for the past three months.

Oh yeah, people. Also, Anderson's family came up to visit on Wednesday and stayed until Friday. It was fun...eating and shopping and crawling art galleries. [baby reference] The mother-in-law took me shopping for maternity clothes, which was fun and funny and awkward. [/baby reference]

On to Lost...Anderson and I are Netflixing the series...we're on season three. I do enjoy it, but I am also very annoyed with basically most of the characters for not consulting with each other more. Do you know how many problems and even deaths could have been prevented just by consulting and not keeping secrets? Jeez, people, get it together! I'm also annoyed that the characters don't make the choices that I would make if I were in their situation. They never ask the right questions or do the right things. I don't mean right as in morally right, just right as in what I think the best thing to do would be. So annoying.

Peggle is fun.

The end.

this time, it's not just gas

I felt the baby move! For real! I think it's alive. :)

Oh and another milestone - it's officially been a week since I last threw up! Whoo hoo!

meditation

“Happy is your condition for you have executed the divine command; and have arisen to fast in these blessed days. For this physical fasting is a symbol of the spiritual fasting, that is, abstaining from all carnal desires, becoming characterized with the attributes of the spiritual ones, attracted to the heavenly fragrances and enkindled with the fire of the love of God.”
-‘Abdu’l-Bahá (Tablets of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, pg. 40)

baby update

Whoo, I just posted and here I am writing again. Must be the boredom. Or the procrastination. One of the two.

Today I had one of those juicy moments of, wow, I'm pregnant, that's my baby don't touch it, goo goo, gaa gaa. Sappy, yes. I took a walk because it was bloody beautiful outside for once, and although I walked at a very leisurely pace, I was exhausted after 10 minutes and approximately 1/2 a mile. I don't know if it's all this extra blood I'm carrying around (supposedly, my blood volume has doubled), or just the fact that I haven't exercised regularly in 2 months. But anyway, I didn't really want to walk, but I did it for the baby, which led to the sappy thoughts listed above.

So, for those of you keeping up, I'm entering the 16th week of pregnancy, which is...whoa, the end of the fourth month. The baby's about 4 inches long. You may compare it to the fruit of your choice, although I have been told it is the size of an apple. And on April 1st, we find out the sex! Exciting, though it is a suspicious day to find out new information.

On the hormonal side, I've been paranoid about sleeping on my back because this book said that the pressure of the uterus could block some blood vessels and reduce blood flow to the baby. But it's sooo comfy on my back, and my midwife didn't say anything about not sleeping on my back, and my sister said she slept that way for a while and her baby's fine, and my mom who had seven of us said, c'mon, people have been doing this forever, it's not that easy to damage a baby and if it were, you'd have been given a stricter warning. But still, the paranoia abounds. And I believe induced the following dream:

I dreamed I was going into labor, but it was July, so it was over a month early and I was worried about it a lot. Then I was in the hospital with Anderson and my mom and maybe my sister, and we were listening to the baby's heartbeat on a monitor. Then somebody gave me a brownie, and when I started eating it, the baby's heart stopped beating!! What am I doing to my baby??? Yes, this dream was days ago and I am still fretting about it. The ever-sensitive husband said that I'm officially pregnant and crazy. Although I think he was also referring to my bursting into tears when asking if he'd do the dishes. So maybe he has a point.

In answer to Ashley, in a word: Yes.

In multiple words: Of course, that takes us down the road of is there a "right person" out there for each of us? or do we just fall in love and then make it work? is there any real actual human person with whom a relationship would be easy and constant joy? is the struggle to build and maintain a relationship the very thing that makes it so precious to us? have I been reading too much Tom Robbins?

There are those few couples out there who seem to be just genuinely happy together all the time, and yes, they make me scowl. But perhaps they've just learned not to dwell on the unpleasant, or perhaps they have not yet discovered that they disagree on fundamental things that don't often come up in conversation.

Do arguments keep things spicy? Remind you of how grateful you are to have what you have when you make up? Remind you that nearly everything in life is petty and not worth fighting about?

And as people constantly change, will the two of you grow more similar or more different? How will you react to those changes?

I have to say, knowing the aforementioned pixie is not particularly keen on marriage, that my questioning along these lines all but vanished when I got married. To me, it's a commitment so solid that it doesn't matter whether he's "the one" or whether we argue, because we're in this together for the long, eternal haul, and there's no point in whittling down love with doubt.

bank your baby's cord blood? what?

So, for those of you that are unaware, I have become very masterful at the art of complaining. Actually, I shouldn't call it an art, because it takes no talent whatsoever. In the month and a half that I have been nauseous (or nauseated, as Anderson would say is the more appropriate word), I have most likely succeeded in convincing all of my friends and family that having a child is incredibly unpleasant. I hope the child itself is unaware of how unpleasant its development has been for me thus far. It's very frustrating because I would like nothing more than to enjoy all the changes that my body is going through and focus on the amazing reality of a life growing inside me. But, if you haven't caught on, the CONSTANT NAUSEA makes this difficult. Today has been particularly bad, even though I am past the first trimester and should be reaching the end of morning sickness. Hint, hint, body.

This pregnancy is by far the strangest thing that has ever happened to me. And I think part of the complaining is my way of dealing with the baffling changes. I'm forgetful. I can't focus. I'm tired a lot, but have trouble sleeping. My digestive system is wacky. I feel like I have to pee all the time even though I don't. My stomach is getting a little bulgy. And man, I thought people exaggerated about the hormonal emotional rollercoaster of pregnancy, but they did not. No sir, they did not. Emotional moments on TV or in books have me in tears. Things that Anderson says that normally I would laugh at make me cry. I heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time, but didn't cry until an hour later.

There's a lot that sweet and exciting and amazing. Last night Anderson and I were reading about how talking to the baby before it's born and playing music for it helps it to become a genius baby! But then I'll read something about breastfeeding or birth, and I'm like, grooooosssss.... Seriously. There are some things I wish I could go back and remove from my brain. But I will spare you the details. Unless you want them, and then I will share and you will be disgusted.

So, yeah. Even though I'm the oldest of 7 kids and watched the birth of 3 of them, even cutting a cord for one, and even though my sister just had a baby less than a year ago, I still had/have no idea what to expect with all of this...

my husband, the weirdo

The other day at dinner, Anderson says out of nowhere, as though it's the most normal thing in the world, "I don't think I would care if our kid was a midget."

Good to know. Good to know.

waiting for morning to end

World's biggest misnomer: Morning sickness.

Fun fact: I've thrown up probably three times as much in the past month as I have in the entire rest of my life.

Personal development: Intense sympathy for sufferers of chronic illnesses. And pregnant women.

New Year’s Disillusions

I am the slow ant, creeping, watching from the inside my body change. The full, swollen sensation below my gut. My body playing tricks on me: the urge to pee even after the release, the pizza I craved suddenly turning repulsive mid-bite, brain-weary but open-eyed. And now the swollen sensation is gone. Maybe I was just bloated, maybe I ate too much stuffing and gumbo, maybe it wasn’t pregnancy at all.

I’ve lost 40 points of my verbal skills. But I know math sharply enough to figure that’s 5.97%. Do I blame my body’s strange weariness, strange fogginess, on energies newly diverted to one focal point inside me? Or is it instead the fault of three weeks of stress and sleepless and mental exertion aimed at writing 40 pages? Did I lose a point for each page? Will I bounce back? The sleep, the television, could be the recuperation I need, but I feel I’m being sucked into the vortex of laziness, dismotivation, and lack of movement. I yearned for time, and now time has come, and though I can see it dwindling, I can’t make myself make use of it.

Beautiful honey and pottery and clothes yell at me to write, and paint, and sing. So quickly and fragily building cells squeeze me to clean with feng shui passion and cook with Thai inspiration and stretch my body with martial arts intensity. But my brain and my eyes and my cold, cold feet say curl up under that blanket instead.

What if everyone in the world put their artistic yearnings into fulfilled action?